Well my friends,
we survived IVF.
Can I get a "hallelujah, amen"?
And you know what's even better?
It worked!
I recorded my thoughts as I went through the process...
Just to warn you- the process is 6-8 weeks, and I recorded something nearly every day.
Thus... this may get lengthy.
But if you're interested in what IVF entails- please read!
Thursday, 11/21-
We went in to talk with an IVF doctor today. I haven't had my period
from my last IUI, yet... but I just had a feeling we should get the
ball rolling with IVF. Not that I was being pessimistic, but I'm
pretty in tune with my body, and I just knew. From the beginning I've
always had a sickening feeling that infertility was going to be a
long road for us. I knew of a Mormon IVF doctor and prayed and
prayed that I wouldn't need to see him. Then one thing after another
happened... I went to Girls Camp with his wife, I went to Youth
Conference with his wife, I became good friends with his wife, and now I serve
with her in the Stake. I know it's not a coincidence that this
family was brought into my life as this time. The Lord works through
others to take care of his children. And his wife was pretty persistent that I go see him.
We were pretty hesitant about getting this far in the infertility process. It's a big commitment and a lot of money... but we know we'd always ask "What if?" if we hadn't tried.
Thursday, 12/5-
Met with the Dr. today and signed all our consents for IVF. Talk
about paperwork. I felt like I should have gotten a house out of all
that paperwork! Nope- just a $20,000 baby. Hopefully. Let's pray for
twins. Don't forget. I'm continually impressed with the office. They
are so attentive and everything is centered around you. I guess when
you're paying tons of money- it HAS to be! We learned all about the
process and the meds and got our calendar of when to start! It's for
real. It's happening. Our nurse called in our gigantic prescription.
Kind of nervous to hear how much that's going to cost. Oy.
Friday, 12/6-
Got my prescription for birth control. I get to take it until we
start shots. I'm so happy. Birth control makes my moods crazy- but
makes my endo feel better. It's a love/hate relationship, me and
birth control.
All of December-
Beautiful! No pain! Lovin' the birth control.
Tuesday, 12/31-
Got a phone call from the pharmacy. Our credit card denied the
horrendous pharmacy charge because they thought it was fraudulent.
Nope. Just IVF meds. I know they cost an arm and a leg, but come on.
We didn't even think to notify our card company! So it's New Years
Eve... the charge hasn't been made. So the meds haven't been
shipped. Tomorrow is New Years Day so no one is working... I'm
beginning to worry about the meds arriving on time...
Thursday, 1/2-
Finally got a hold of the pharmacy company and the credit card
company. Everything is fixed... but the Polar Vortex is supposed to
shut down all FedEx deliveries this weekend. I may not get my meds
in time. Dang. This isn't supposed to be happening!
Saturday, 1/4-
We have experienced a miracle people. By some act of God- my med box
showed up on my doorstep this afternoon. SOO incredibly relieved. We
can resume life as normal. We were flabbergasted at how big the box
is. And kind of disgusted that ALL that medicine will soon be inside
of me... via needles. Gross. We went through the box. Everything is
there. Here we go.
Monday, 1/6-
Well... here we go! We start shots today. I can't wait for January to
be over- not going to lie. Needles terrify me and for the next month
I'll go through about 40 shots of my own, and who knows how many
blood work tests at the dr. office. BUT let's be excited! It's going
to work! Two pills, one shot.
Tuesday, 1/7-
I remember doing shots with IUI and crying before each shot. I
haven't cried... but I'm only on day 2. So maybe I shouldn't talk
until we're done with this. Two pills, one shot.
Wednesday, 1/8-
Finished birth control today. Kind of scared to see what a period
brings. It usually brings back the endo accompanied with a lot of
pain. Dang. Today- One pill, one shot.
Thursday, 1/9-
Was at a conference all day, and had to come back home to get a shot.
My life revolves around needles. So gross. Still no crying. Today-
One pill, one shot.
Friday, 1/10-
One pill, one shot.
Saturday, 1/11-
Today was such a crazy day. It's proven hard to be home in time for
shots each night. Sometimes it's just near impossible to keep them
at the same time. Especially with my conference this past week. So
crazy. Today- One pill, one shot.
Sunday, 1/12-
These Lupron needles are so small and my dose is so low that these
shots don't hurt! I can handle this, right? Today- One pill, one
shot.
Monday, 1/13-
Still bleeding, but not too bad. My endo pain is back. And it's bad.
I went to dance tonight thinking I could hack it. I was wrong. I was
in so much pain. Super bummed that the endo pain will probably be
around for the next month. Ugh. Today- One pill, one shot.
Tuesday, 1/14-
Lupron shot in tummy. Today- One pill, one shot.
Wednesday, 1/15-
Lupron shot in thigh. Really didn't hurt at all. Today- One pill, one
shot. Easy peasy.
Thursday, 1/16-
Had my suppression check today. My Dr. wasn't there so his partner
did the scan. She kept saying over and over how awesome my ovaries
are. Well, thank you. I always knew the ovaries work... it's just
the endo that gets in the way. I have 8 resting eggs on one side, and
11 on the other. She said they look awesome. The blood work was not
AS awesome. The stinkin' phlebotomist couldn't find my vein. This is
my nightmare. No really- I have nightmares about this scenario. So it
took her SO long to get my blood. Bleh. Shiver. She kept rolling the
needle back and forth. I thought I was dying. We also got to pay the
WHOLE balance today. Talk about shocker. We had to prep our credit
card company this time. Maxing out a credit card is something I've
never done in my whole life. What a fun ride. Not. Later today we
transferred the money from our savings to pay off the credit card.
Ouch. Maybe I'm worldly... but it hurt to see that money go. That was
supposed to be our “first house” money. We've worked so hard for
it! And... now it's gone. It's times like this that I say in my head
“OMG this better work or so help me.” My nurse called with the
blood work results and my estrogen levels are low- just like they're
supposed to be. We are a “go” to start stimulation meds on
Saturday! Eek! Ready to shoot myself up with $2,000 worth of meds!
Today- One pill, one shot
Friday, 1/17-
Last day of Lupron shots. This has been the “easy” part. Geez.
Super nervous about the next week. Today- One pill, one shot.
Saturday, 1/18-
We started the stimulation meds today! Excited and nervous... this
means I have three shots a day instead of one... and it also means
we are getting to the climax of IVF. The next two weeks are critical
and I'm scared. I just want it to be over with already. We took our
morning shot with us beach camping. Hahaha that was a sight. Trying
to figure out how to mix a shot in our little tent. So glad Jon is
here to help me with everything. He's been a trooper giving me all
my shots. I know he hates needles just as much as I do. He has to
take an antibiotic all week. He's putting in an effort, too! Hahaha.
Today- One pill, three shots. Bring it on.
Sunday, 1/19-
I lied- these shots DO hurt. Are we done with needles, yet? Today-
One pill, three shots.
Monday, 1/20-
So glad to have had the day off! Happy MLK Day! I had a dr.
appointment this morning and didn't have to miss any school!
Blessing! It was just blood work today... the nurse found my vein
easier this morning. Thank goodness. My nurse called this afternoon
and said that my estrogen levels are right where they are supposed to
be, so no appointment until Friday! Hopefully my levels don't go
berserk in the meantime. I love that my body is responding how it's
supposed to. I really hope this works. Today- One pill, two shots in
the belly, one in the thigh.
Tuesday 1/21- Definitely
starting to feel the effects of these stimulation meds. My ovaries
feel like they weigh 50 pounds each. My tummy is so sore... it's
hard to find a spot for shots because I'm covered with holes. The
doc says I'm not supposed to dance while on the stimulation meds...
but it's proving to be difficult. I think Heavenly Father knows that
I don't know when to stop and take it easy... because today the
drill team was kicked out of their room. Why is that a blessing you
ask? They had to come into my dance room and we had to combine
classes for the day. Which meant- there was a drill team officer in
each class period leading my class warm-ups. Yep, Heavenly Father
definitely knows me and knows that I would have done too much today.
Blessing. The drill team will be in my room all week- so I took a
slice of humble pie and signed up for a computer lab. My classes will
spend the rest of the week in the computer lab while I finish the
rest of these terrible shots. Trying to count my blessings. Four more
days left of shots. Today- One pill, two shots in the thigh, one in
the belly.
Wednesday, 1/22-
Well we made a mistake. I woke up this morning as Jon was getting
ready for seminary. He got out the stuff to prepare my shot (again
he's a trooper). I looked down and said “No, Menopur is for the
evening- it's supposed to be Bravelle this morning.” He looked at
me blankly... oh no. He responded that we had done “Bravelle”
last night! See, I didn't come home at all yesterday, so Jon met me
at the chapel for tutoring with all my shots in tow. I didn't even
check to see what he had brought. BUT... he brought the wrong
medication. I had two shots of Bravelle yesterday and no Menopur.
Crap crap crap. I admit- there were a few tears. You just don't want
to mess up something like IVF! Not even a little! We did the Menopur
shot this morning and called my nurse. She wasn't in but called back
in the afternoon. She said it was ok... “just take another Menopur
tonight and get back on the same schedule.” Phew. Although now, if
we don't get pregnant- I know Jon will blame himself. He felt so
terrible. It's hard these days to take the shots exactly 12 hours
apart. The morning shot is done at 5:30 so the evening shots need to
be done at 5:30! Last night we did shots at tutoring... tonight we'll
do shots at institute. This is a crazy life. Three days left of
shots. Three days left of shots. Today- one pill, three shots.
Thursday, 1/23-
Somebody get these ovaries out of me! They weigh 500 pounds no joke.
They say a normal ovary is the size of a spoon head... and with IVF
they expect them to be the size of a nerf football. Yes. Disgusting,
I know. SO am I looking a little thick these days? Why yes. Yes, I
am.
I'm so sore. I leaned up against a table today and the tops of my
thighs started throbbing. Sore in the tummy and thighs- thus is the
life of an IVF patient. Clogging was canceled tonight! Not that I
could dance anyway, but now I have a husband to stay home and dote on
me. Two more days, two more days. Today- one pill, two shots in
stomach, one in thigh.
Friday, 1/24- I seriously am having the best luck! I
had an appointment for this morning, and was pretty stressed out
because my sub request for school hadn't been filled yet! But no
worries... Ice-pocalypse 2014 hit Houston and school was canceled!
Best day ever! Because school was cancelled, Jon was able to drive me
(through the icy roads) to my appointment. Everything looks good! My
estrogen & progesterone levels are exactly in range. My eggs are
growing just like they should be, and there are a lot of them. They
are at about 12-14mm right now, and they would like them to be around
15-20mm when they harvest. So I will do two more days of meds, and
then the HcG trigger shot on Sunday or Monday! Which puts egg
retrieval around Tuesday or Wednesday of next week! Let's do this!
Today: one pill, two shots in thigh, one in stomach.
Saturday, 1/25- I felt so good today! Really no
soreness or uncomfortable-ness at all! Ok... I lie... it hurts to
bend over and put my shoes on. BUT when I'm not bent over, I can't
tell that my ovaries are the size of balloons at all! I think the
first few days of stimulation meds were a lot worse than the last
few. Now as far as my mental state with needles- I've had enough! I
did my (hopefully) last three shot day! Hooray! It's such a mental
game. I keep telling myself, “ok just make it through _____” and
then “now just make it through _______”. I kept telling myself
that this week would be rough, but now that I'm through- I'm worried
about NEXT week where the BIG stuff happens! Harvesting and
transferring... I have an appointment tomorrow morning to determine
which days this is all going to go down. I'm pretty terrified.
Today: one pill, two shots in stomach, one in thigh.
Sunday, 1/26-
Well,
I THOUGHT yesterday would be the last day of shots. Turns out I
celebrated too soon. I had to do three more shots today. I went into
the Dr. this morning. Yes, they do see patients on Sunday. It
definitely wasn't as busy- but every IVF patient isn't the same and
it turns out that eggs continue to grow over the weekend! Anyway- the
clinic is always open, it seems. It took a lot longer to get
everything done- being a Sunday with fewer staff, but the Doc said my
ovaries are really looking good! Perks to being young- my ovaries
still work well. I have about 7 follicles on each side that are
ready, and then about 11 smaller follicles that have potential. They
decided to do one MORE day of stimulation meds to see if they can get
just a few more potential follicles. So guess what? I get to go back
tomorrow! Seriously people- I need to get a port in my arm so they
don't have to stick me each day for blood. So ironic that growing up
I had such a phobia of needles... this WOULD be my life, right? The
doctor also said that my uterine lining looks great- which is really
important for transfer day. I'm just so grateful that my body is
actually working the way its SUPPOSED to! For the past four years I
have felt so broken... it's nice to know that my body is reacting
just the way it should to these meds. It really gives me hope. Today:
one pill, two shots in thigh, one in stomach. Feeling like a bruised
apple.
Monday, 1/27-
Oh my goodness... I need to be done. I feel so stressed and spread
thin. I can't be an IVF patient, a full-time teacher, Stake YW
secretary, and a good wife... something has got to give. I'm just so
tired. I know that everyone at school isn't thrilled about me taking
so much time off- but what do I do? I stress out about my students
having nothing to do... but that's just life right now. I had another
appointment this morning. It was the usual ultrasound and blood work.
I have about 14 mature eggs and we are ready to trigger. So they had
me take one more Bravelle shot- good thing I packed one just in case!
All the nurses were running around crazy busy, so I stopped by Rice
on my way to school and had my personal nurse, Jon, give me a shot :)
Tonight we mix the HcG shot and trigger these eggs! The HcG shot is
the “art” behind IVF. It's the shot that really matters. It gives
the eggs that final push towards maturation and they HAVE to be
harvested exactly 36 hours afterward. It's a bigger needle... has to
go into the muscle. Hopefully Jon won't pass out when he gives it.
Then I have to go back in AGAIN tomorrow morning for blood work, and
then Wednesday will be retrieval day. I swear. I should just take
this whole week off. My students know I've been seeing the doctor-
but they don't know specifics. And I'm pretty sure they think I'm
dying, hahaha. Today- two shots
Tuesday, 1/28-
Well... I'm pretty sure my ovaries are going to explode. I am so
bloated. I pee every five minutes. We almost forgot to set our alarm
for 11pm last night to do the trigger shot! We had gone to bed around
9 and were SO confused when our alarm went off at 11. But we got up-
and had a WONDERFUL idea to use some ice cubes and numb my toosh! I
numbed while Jon prepared the shot- and I didn't feel a thing! I've
done this shot multiple times before, with IUI and other clomid
cycles- and it is a PAINFUL one because it has to go into the muscle.
Bigger and longer needle, gross. BUT thankfully the ice did the trick
and it didn't hurt at all! I was worried that we hadn't done it right
because it was so painless. Thankfully this morning I woke up with a
sore bottom, and knew that it was, in fact, done right :) I had
ANOTHER dr. appointment this morning. Yep, getting my blood drawn
everyday is my favorite. Not. I look like a heroine addict. My arms
are so bruised. I was in and out of there in 15 minutes. I love this
office! And guess what? There was another Houston ice storm and they
canceled school again! Wahoo! Couldn't have picked a better day.
Today is probably the most bloated I will be throughout this whole
process, so I am incredibly grateful I don't have to stand all day.
My nurse just called and said the HcG shot had absorbed well into my
blood and we are set for retrieval tomorrow! No food or drink after
midnight tonight... and tomorrow is the big day. She also said that
because of my “great stimulation” my estrogen levels are pretty
high... which is good for now, but not for after retrieval. So I need
to go pick up an additional prescription from the pharmacy today to
help with that. Phew... so much going on- but so exciting! Can't wait
for tomorrow to be OVER!!
Today- NO shots! Just one pill!
Wednesday, 1/29-
I can't believe that we're almost done in this long, long journey.
I'm so happy to be home and done with egg retrieval. Jon got a sub
for seminary this morning, and we got to sleep in! Lovely! We woke up
at seven and got ready... I wasn't allowed to eat or drink, so that
was a little rough. I do love my breakfast foods. We thought traffic
would be bad, but it wasn't- and we got to the office in plenty of
time. When we got there we paid up front for anesthesia- best $500
ever spent- and then they took us to the OTHER side of the office
that I'd never been to before. This side resembled more of a hospital
and I was completely freaked out. It was feeling more like surgery
than a procedure and I became so nervous.
As I mentioned, we got
there kind of early and had to wait around for about an HOUR before
they took me back. Thankfully, I have a pretty entertaining and funny
husband that TRIED to take my mind of things. They took me back to a
lovely *gag* operating room with a special chair with leg stir-ups.
Gotta love it. The anesthesiologist tried to make small talk as the
blood drained out of my face. He couldn't fool me- I knew what he was
up to. He numbed my hand and got my IV going. Ah, the sweet surrender
of feeling loopy. I remained loopy for a while. They asked me hard
questions like “What is your name?” and “What is your
birthday?”. Turns out it is rather difficult to answer those
questions when drugged! The doctor came in... I remember them telling
me that they were going to wash my bottom... and then I was gone!
Next thing I remember were lots of voices, and then ending up in
recovery with uncontrollable shivers. I hate that about anesthesia.
Once I was awake enough to comprehend, the Dr. came back and told me
they were able to retrieve TWENTY THREE eggs! TWENY THREE! The nurses
were all blown away! They were like, “And why are you in need of
IVF?” Hahaha yes, you may call me "Fertile Myrtle". Because of my
endometriosis I had some extra bleeding on my ovaries and fluid
leakage into my abdomen. Now that I'm home and de-drugged, I
definitely am feeling the effects of extra fluid and feel very
bloated. They said that because they were able to harvest so many
eggs, that I'll most likely be very crampy today as well. And they
were correct. I can't seem to sit, stand or lay in a comfortable
position. I'm just... uncomfortable. BUT no need to complain- I'm
just glad today is OVER and that one of the eggs will hopefully be
our future baby! The nurse will call tomorrow with our fertilization
results... meaning out of the 23 eggs, how many made it through
washing and fertilization, then either on Saturday or next Monday we
will transfer them back in! That should be a much easier procedure,
thank goodness. Today- One shot, one IV and three pills
Thursday, 1/30- Called in sick today. Just couldn't do
it. I'm still really sore and uncomfortable... not as much as
yesterday... but I have a tendency to “over do” things. I knew if
I went to school today, I'd end up dancing with my students and that
would have been bad. Poor kids. Hopefully they'll forgive me for
being so MIA. The nurse called this morning with some more great
news! Out of the 23 eggs that were harvested, 16 were mature enough
for fertilizing, and out of those 16- 14 were successfully
fertilized! Wahoo! Now we wait for them to grow. Grow, baby, grow!
Those are our future children... growing in a petri dish. So we have
set the transfer for Saturday- but if there are enough good embryos,
they'll push transfer back to Monday because ideally they would like
to transfer blastocysts. They have more cells, they're more durable,
and they're more likely to survive. The only down side is that
blastocysts don't freeze as well. So I don't know if they'll freeze
some embryos and some blastocysts? Anyway- we won't know until
Saturday morning what the scoop is. BUT I'm looking forward to it! A
part of me would just rather do the transfer on Saturday so I don't
have to miss more school... but the other side of me says “You
dummy- who cares about school if the blastocysts are where it's at!”
I guess this is something I've wanted for the past four years- I need
to be willing to do whatever it takes to ensure that it's successful.
Priorities are a beast. Today- NO shots! Four pills
Friday, 1/31- I went to work today! Yay! You know what
I just realized? This has been my first FULL day of work since LAST
Thursday! Hahaha isn't that crazy? Last Friday school was cancelled,
Monday I went in half day because of an appointment, Tuesday school
was cancelled, and then Wednesday and Thursday I took off for
harvesting. It was a pretty good day at work. I actually felt good! I
was able to move and stretch with my students and it was a generally
good day with no problems. I am still pretty bloated... and haven't
been able to poop yet! I really need to poop, as I don't think
constipation is helping with my bloated state. I started the
progesterone today. One of my friends who is doing IVF has to do an
intramuscular shot EVERY day for her progesterone! Talk about awful!
Mine is a vaginal suppository. To which I am most grateful. Tomorrow
morning we find out how are fourteen babies are doing! Hahaha kind of
weird to think we have 14 kids growing in a lab... yeah. Today- seven
pills (one medrol, one antibiotic, one something for estrogen, one
baby aspirin, and three doses of progesterone) And guess what? This calendar is DONE!!! Par-tay!
Saturday, 2/1-
We went to our appointment this morning and got some great news! Our
embryos are looking great! Out of the 14 that fertilized, there are
11 that are growing REALLY well! Yay! So our transfer has been pushed
back to Monday so they can grow a little more, to the blastocyst
stage. The theory is that most day-3 embryos don't make it to
blastocyst stage, so if they can grow them for a few more days then
they can really tell which ones are viable and which ones are more
likely to produce a live birth. So although we had to go ALL the way
into their office, for them to just tell us to go back home- we are
happy with the results. Last hurdle is on Monday and then we are
DONE! I can't even tell you how relieved I am that January is over
with! WAHOO! Oh, and I finally pooped today. Although still feeling
constipated :( Today- seven pills
Sunday, 2/2-
Today was really not my day. I still feel huge. I can't poop. My
stomach/abdomen is all backed up and I hurt. I tried to go to church
today but ended up coming home early. Feeling hormonal and stuffed
with poop was not a good combo. Today- seven pills
Monday, 2/3-
Today was TRANSFER day! Oh my goodness- can I just tell you how
nervous I was ALL day? Combine nervous butterflies with being stuffed
with poop and I was a wreck! The transfer was set for noon- so I
taught for a half day, then high-tailed it over to Rice. Jon and I
quickly ate some leftover pizza and then drove to the Dr. office. For
this procedure you're supposed to have a full bladder so I downed my
water bottle on the way. We got to the office right at noon, checked
in, and they took us back not even five minutes later. They took us
to the “other” side of the clinic again. The side that looks like
a hospital and kind of freaks me out. Hospital gown again. As we
waited I was feeling the urge to poo! Something that hadn't happened
since last week! I couldn't contain it anymore so I went to the
bathroom. Can I just tell you that trying to hold your pee WHILE
pooping is got to be the hardest thing in this world? I tried SO hard
but then... I exploded. Absolutely exploded. Five days of poop is
quite a lot, I'm not gonna lie. And guess what? I lost all water in
my bladder. I downed a couple more cups of water hoping it would fill
up fast. But no dice. The full bladder is supposed to help tilt the
uterus, for better insertion of a catheter. The nurse took me back to
ultrasound my uterus, and sure enough- my bladder wasn't full and my
uterus was upright. Boo! They took me back out and had me DOWN four
huge cups of water. We waited 20 minutes, and then went back to the
procedure room. We walked in and the embryologist confirmed my info
and then gave me a picture of our embryos! They're so cute! They look
like little pizzas.
They put the speculum up my hoo-haw (never
pleasant) and got things rolling. I'm pretty sure this whole
procedure is just one huge torturous ordeal. My bladder was going to
explode, they're putting things up me, and THEN the nurse is pushing
down with ALL her might ON TOP OF MY bladder with the ultrasound
probe to see what's going on! BAH! Although this was one of the more
uncomfortable moments in my life (ever, ever, ever) it was really
cool to see what happened. Because of the ultrasound, we could see
the catheter inside the uterus- and then we could actually see the
transfer of the embryos! Well- we couldn't exactly see each embryo...
but they were surrounded in an air bubble and we could see the air
bubble on the ultrasound screen. We saw the air bubble travel up
through the catheter and into the uterus!
Then the air bubble found a
spot on the uterine wall, and hopefully now those embryos and just
setting up shop! That was pretty exciting. Then they made me sit
there for 15 minutes... with a full bladder... and I thought urine
was going to come out my eyeballs. Never have I needed to pee so bad
as I did in those 15 minutes. I was sure I would pee all over the
operating table. BUT alas... I made it. And I peed every 10 minutes
for the remainder of the day. That was a lot of water. I took it easy
the rest of today, and plan on going back to school tomorrow. We find
out in 9 days if it worked! BAH! Have patience... have patience....
Today- one valium (ah yeah), five pills
Tuesday, 2/4-
Feeling super crampy... but I think it's because I still need to poop
some more.
Wednesday, 2/5-
We find out in a week! AH!
Thursday, 2/6-
Felt a little crampy today and now I'm freaking out. I over analyze
everything my body does and it's completely unhealthy. I'm going to
drive myself insane.
Friday, 2/7-
Started with estrogen patches today. I'm a mess. I feel like I can
cry at the drop of a hat. And I do. I got a call from Houston IVF
today and they said they could only freeze two of my eggs. I felt
like crying... but I was on my way to an interview so I had to hold
it together. I was so sad! They harvested SO many! Why are there only
two frozen? So apparently on Day 3 there were 11 that were growing
well. Some weren't growing fast enough, and some started to degrade.
There were 5 that made it to blastocyst stage... and they transferred
the best 2. Then they grew the other three out for one more day and
two developed nicely, while the one's inner blastocyst cavity was
misshapen. And there we have it. Two frozen embryos. I told Jon and
he said “That's perfect! We only wanted four kids anyway!” He's
so positive. Why is he so positive? Because my thought was “Crap!
We only have enough for one more go!” Because you know we aren't
harvesting again. No way, no how. And besides- it would bankrupt us.
Ugh... The good news though... is that I pooped today.
Saturday, 2/8-
I pooped AGAIN today! I think my body is getting back to normal.
Hallelujah! I was a blubbering mess again today. I can't hold back
the tears. I have way too many hormones racing through this body. I
just need to know if this has worked or not.
Sunday, 2/9-
I held it together better today. I felt pretty positive... like I
could be growing a baby inside. I definitely feel different... but
I'm also on a million hormones so at the end of the day I end up
being just terribly confused.
Monday, 2/10-
I am so crampy today. I feel exactly like I do before I start my
period. I know my body. I know what it does every month. I decided to
torture myself even further. I took a pregnancy test. It was
negative. I'm so sick of trying I can't stand it. I took the test in
the afternoon, and I didn't have much urine... so I cling to the hope
that it isn't right. But it's day 12... and I should be producing HcG
by now. Feeling craptacular.
Tuesday, 2/11-
Today was horrible. Absolutely horrible. I've convinced myself that
I'm not pregnant, and I can't seem to hold it together. I'm so pissed
off. I hate the world. I hate God. I hate faith. Faith and prayers
have done nothing for this situation. I feel so hopeless. I expressed
all of this to Jon as we went to tutoring tonight... and I'm pretty
sure he thinks I'm a goner. Sometimes I wonder... why have faith? It
seems like something that suckers hold onto when their life stinks.
I'm sick of people saying “just have faith”. I'm so angry that
we've spent $20,000 for nothing. I hate my students who get pregnant
just by looking at their baby daddy. I took a shower after tutoring
and just cried and cried in the shower. When I got out, Jon just held
me forever while I bawled. He didn't say anything. He didn't try to
make it better... he just held me. Geez- that boy knows me well. And
here I write... still mad at the world but thankful for a loving
husband. Tomorrow is the big day. I think I'll take a pregnancy test
in the morning just to prepare myself for the ensuing disappointment.
Wednesday, 2/12-
Today was the day! I woke up feeling dreadful. Crying all night will
do that to you. I don't know what feeling hungover feels like, but
I'm sure it's something similar. I woke up just as Jon was leaving
for seminary. He kissed me goodbye, and I found the sweetest note on
the table. There go the tears again. He's incredible. I would have
gone off the deep end if not for him. I had one last pregnancy test
under the sink and decided to take it. I looked at it after 3
minutes... and at first glance, I was convinced it was negative. But
upon a second glance- I saw a faint second line appear.
I was
convinced my eyes were playing tricks on me, and took a picture and
sent it to Jon. “Something is definitely there” he said. I
immediately googled “faint line on pregnancy test” and felt
hopeful again. Although faint... maybe I COULD be pregnant? I was
convinced I wasn't. I still had all my regular period symptoms. I got
ready and headed for the dr. office. I got there early to get to
school on time- and was seen quickly. “Today is the big day, huh?”
said the nurse. Knots and butterflies in my stomach are nothing
compared to what I felt. I felt like someone had ripped out my
stomach and tried to shove it back down my throat. I was a mess. And
of course- the phlebotomist couldn't find my vein. Awesome. After
being poked- I left... again preparing myself for disappointment as I
drove to school. My heart continued to pound all through 2nd period.
I turned on my phone to see if a message had been left... and sure
enough- there on my screen was a missed call from “Houston IVF”.
Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap. Do I listen now and possibly cry in front
of my next class? Or do I wait? Oh forget it- I couldn't wait. I
listened... “Hi this is Andrea from Houston IVF... I'm calling with
good news!”
WHAT!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?! I immediately texted Jon. He thought I
was lying. C'mon Jon- would I really lie about something like this?
I
couldn't call back right away, as 4th period was starting and
students were beginning to arrive. I tucked away my phone and tried
to breathe for the next hour. Right after class got out- I called
back the nurse. “We look for an HcG level of 50 and yours was at a
70. That's good! We want to see you on Friday to see if they continue
to double.” I'm not going to lie- I felt so relieved... yet, didn't
feel any different. I was expecting to feel different somehow. But
I'm the same- still cramping- and still worried that the pregnancy
will last. Maybe if I can make it past 12 weeks I will feel
differently. Of course, I'm excited- but it's been four years of NOT
being pregnant so how can this POSSIBLY be a reality? Either way...
I'm pregnant! I've never been able to say that before! What a
miracle!
We
haven't told our parents. Call me a sucker- but I wanted it be a
surprise. It sucks to have everyone and their dog know you're going
through IVF because it's not a surprise at all! Everything is so
timed and everyone knows my business. Not a bad thing- but I still
wanted to tell our parents in a fun creative way. So... yeah... they
don't know yet. In fact- they think my appointment is Monday. What
they don't know won't hurt them, right? So I sent off some packages
today- they should be there by Saturday. In each one is a different
announcement... hopefully they'll just be too happy to be mad at us
;)
Thursday, 2/13-
Still cramping a lot! Hope everything is going ok down there... It
still seems so surreal that this is actually happening. I feel the
same. I have the same type of cramps if I were on my period. They
TELL me I'm pregnant but I just can't tell! It's kind of fun to have
a secret that no one knows about. Our parents still don't know...
obviously. Tomorrow I go back in for them to check my HcG levels!
Friday, 2/14-
Ah, Valentine's Day. What a great day! I went into the dr. this
morning and they took my blood. They took FOREVER to call me so I
immediately thought it was going to be bad news. It wasn't. It was
GOOD news! My HcG level is at 151, which is more than doubled. My
estrogen was super high so I'm going off my estrogen supplements now.
And my progesterone looks good- so I continue that until I'm 10 weeks
along. But the more exciting news- is that in 1.5 weeks I have my
first ultrasound! Then we'll know if it's a single or multiple birth!
Still praying for twins over here :)
We told our parents today. Some laughed, some cried, some thought we
were lying... it was however a joyous moment. It still feels fake...
but I'm sure one day it will feel more real. I think this baby is the
most expensive Valentine's gift we've ever gotten each other... by
FAR! We threw our Sharps Container away! YAY! Goodbye shots!
Tuesday, 2/18-
This big box of meds has sat in our living room for the past month
and a half. Today I unpacked all the extras and got rid of the box. I
feel liberated. Not to mention that we have a corner of our living
room back! Our place now feels so spacious ;)
Wednesday, 2/26- We've been holding our breath for today! Prepared for the worst and the best... and it turned out to be the best! It is ONE baby, phew! Twins would have been great- two babes for the price of one... but lets' be honest, one baby is perfect. Are we disappointed? Are you kidding me? After all we just did to have a baby- one is sounding pretty amazing at this point. We even got to hear the heartbeat today! I shed a tear- it was beautiful.
Wednesday, 3/10- Eight weeks today and another ultrasound. Baby looks like an ink blot now instead of just a small dot, and we heard the heartbeat again- phew! It was a little bittersweet today... we graduated from IVF. *sigh* What a whirlwind three months it has been. The staff here is incredible and I've come to love them. Our doctor gave us the book "What to Expect When Expecting" as a graduation present, and all our nurses came out to say "goodbye". So sweet. Feeling sad and happy all at the same time.
I never imagined that this is the way our life would turn out. I never had health problems as a child. No one in my family has ever struggled with infertility. I don't know why infertility happens to some and not others. I suppose that will all remain a mystery to me. However, this quote from President Hinckley sums up our feelings perfectly.
Couldn't have said it better.
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